Information for those wanting movie reviews:

I understand why you want your movie reviewed. Also, I know myself and I have a busy schedule like you, and the need for a secure internet connection. Okay that’s not really possible if we are all being honest, but I don’t need viruses, so if you want your movie reviewed, please do the following: a) please let me know the title of the movie b) let me know if it’s available on YouTube, Vimeo or both so I can do a search for it c) if those first two are in order, please give me a month to review it and I will if I can, but no guarantees. d) NO LINKS. I’ve tried this method with people and it doesn’t ever seem to work. I have strict settings, I guess, but that is the way I like it. e) check back in a little over a month.

Remember, since I am a Pseudo Movie Reviewer, this is not my day job and I’ve created movies myself, so know how much work and pride goes into even so-so work. I will never bash yours, but may have a few snarky quips. This is just purely for entertainment. When I made my own movies, I even created fake bad reviews for myself. It’s just fun to be bitchy sometimes, but only if it’s in good humor or if someone really deserves it, in my opinion. Of course, I still like my movies, because every step is a learning process and I had fun making them. Love, Heather

Take Seven: All Monsters Attack (1969)

Janus Films; screenplay by Shinichi Sekizawa, music by Kunoo Miyanchi, theme music by Gendai Kano and Shinichi Sekizawa.

A good tagline for this movie would be Neverending Story meets Godzilla. All Kinds of monsters appear in this foray back into childhood, including a pimply reptilian unicorn, a Godzilla knock-off with surprisingly expressive eyes, a huge beautiful purple-eyed spider, mangy human bullies, and Japanese sex traffickers. With the splashy spy/punk music and bright colors, not to mention trippy T-Rex lizards, I could not recommend this more for a party where you are just getting high on life to the point you might be getting nauseous. I’ll let you fill in the details. The intro is like one long cool music video, with some violent gigantic toy monsters who blow smoke, spew webs which is not very peaceful all the time, but good for the inner little boys in all of us. Also, it would be an instant treasure for furry lovers. You know who you are, but I could never recognize you. You are good at hiding like the main character, Ichiro. He is cute as a button and learns about standing up for himself against bullying. Much like Sebastian in the Neverending Story, he has a dark path ahead of him, and although he roots for Godzilla he is overall a good kid with an inspiring tale to tell. Just as I thought the movie was a bit too young for me, it would turn me around to face the fact we all have inner children we need to look out for.

Review by Heather Arneson, The Pseudo Movie Reviewer.

The Pseudo Movie Reviewer: Take Six

“Mark Felt: The Man Who Brought Down the White House” (2017)

A film by Peter Landesman and the most production companies I’ve seen in the beginning of a film, but I want to be fair, so here we go:

Sony Pictures Classics, Mandalay/Endurance Media Ventures and Torridon Films in association with Riverstone Pictures, a MadRiver Pictures Production, a Scott Free/Cara Films Production and if I’m missing anyone, I’m sorry…thank you MOM, God, oh boy…this is so much…I am hearing the music (by Daniel Pemberton) calling me…and, so many great actors I am surrounded by. I mean, oh wait, my delusion got the best of me. Back to writing about FBI and CIA agents, who could tail me and tap my cell phone…can’t wait! Well, I have a feeling on this one, so I have to do a review, and also, I’m pretty sure the NSA beat them to it. Anywhos, maybe they will do a re-edit a la George Lucas and I will be called upon to help out and my own production company, Inkubator Production Company, would be added to the credits, because I assisted in watching someone’s dog and the list could go on, like the beginning of this review.

I wish I didn’t get bored and confused immediately when someone brings up politics, as I am one to like to help others when I can, and aren’t people in power supposed to do this? I’ve often thought that elected officials should go through a psych evaluation, to make sure they are mentally competent, sane, and aren’t suffering from narcissistic personality disorder. It is scary how much people who want control and money in the world actually obtain it. I just want to create, myself, and make enough of a living to be able to feed, clothe and put a roof over myself that is spacious to some degree.

Image courtesy of Sony Pictures Classics, Mandalay/Endurance Media Ventures and Torridon Films in association with Riverstone Pictures, a MadRiver Pictures Production, a Scott Free/Cara Films Production…I think.

Alright, getting off the topic of this interesting movie, which I was relieved could be, as it is an important subject that is even more pertinent today than it was then: the right to privacy and the democratic system not being thwarted (especially from the inside). Insiders? Ears and eyes, open mouths? Hey, you can even watch Liam Neeson take down the White House AND find a daughter without having to kill anyone (for all you hippie-dippie peace lovers out there). He is also called “deep throat” which means he will find you and kill you if you make any racy jokes. The eagle has landed and free speech is here to stay, everyone. Don’t forget he has a certain set of skills. Okay, even Liam would have to smile at that one. Sorry, had to…and here are some other bad ones:

What do you call a KKK member who never gets fired?
Blue Silencer.

What did J. Edgar Hoover like to do after work?
Tap dance.

Capitulating after a long journey towards the presidency was hard for President Nixon, I’m sure, as it was for The King after getting up post-splits. Both had struggles to gain power over the masses. He sang and danced his heart out and made millions of women cry like many gay men who go into politics and never tell their women folk until it’s too late. The point I’m trying to make is, creating problems to get sex from strangers is not the American way, it’s the wire tappers way. Wire tappers are kind of like phone sex operators, because they give the illusion of something in exchange for money.

It’s best to look at a mirror, not search for Elvis nor imagine people clapping at you for repeating “I am not a crook”, which actually incriminates you more the more you deny something without much emotion in your eyes…which leads me to another joke:

What did the sperm donor say to the politician’s mistress?

Take THAT to the bank!

The Pseudo Movie Reviewer: Take Five and a Half, The Hellish Report

Mashup of…

Seduced: Inside the NXIVM Cult (2020)
Episode Directed by Cecilia Peck, a Starz Originals Presents Production

Image of Keith Raniere [courtesy of Starz Originals Presents] &
Image of pickup artist instructor [courtesy of NY Film/Two
Man Crew LTD]

The Pickup Game (2020)
Directed by Barnaby O’Connor and Matthew O’Connor. Produced by NY Film/Two Man Crew LTD

I mashed up these two shows like apples, as I’ve felt they were divinely-inspired, ripely-picked bites of horrific reality, just in time for Halloween! The world we live in is just an elevator ride up from hell and I will prove it by dissecting the rotting cores. This was more of a scientific experiment to me than movie review, as villains were featured in these works who made me question if they were human or not. Walter White and some evil frat boy must have produced a spawn, is my hypothesis.

Seduced: Inside the NXIVM Cult was the first in a part of a series, which delved into the manipulation of the human psyche by false prophets like Keith Raniere. Now, if you never guessed that someone who looks like your local librarian could actually be one of the worst sex traffickers in your neighborhood, well, you might be in for a shock of realness. AND he got a photo op with the Dalai Lama. Some kids don’t even get to sit on Santa’s lap! This is because this guy received the money from society to run a cult, instead. Wake up and smell the sulfuric nightmare! He even bought a specialized pen for branding sex slaves in their cult. Also, he was shown kissing basically everyone he came across, though espoused monk-like ways. If you saw a monk kissing people in a Kung-Fu movie, he’d get thrown into a tranquil pond of contemplation.

Next, The Pickup Game forays into the life of male seed that learn to be calculating jack the rippers. Being of the hands-off social networking generation, they don’t actually want to get their hands dirty and kill for a living-just maim the hearts and souls of lonely and/or drunk women…then post pictures of it later for their homies. Their “game” is supposedly an artform devoured by a new demonic regime, reminiscent of SA officers who were more “lovers” rather than “fighters.” My sarcasm knows no bounds in this, and as I am not prejudice, nor claiming any of these people are (the instructors represent all shapes, races, and abercrombie and fitch mall locations), they merely just remind me of them in their avarice of flesh. Trying to make a religion out of something that is satanic feces excreted by the brains of males that waste any intelligence they once had is just plain stupid. Protecting women should be the game, and banging drunken or sad women are not impressive feats of manhood. Being a male who listens or helps protect these types from lecherous monsters does make one more of a man, however. As the story goes, Dracula didn’t even respect his greatest admirer, and he suffered terribly like all of the rest of the victims.

As the Dalai Lama might even agree with me, comparisons are the root of misery in the world. When you compare yourself to your neighbor, a celebrity or to Keith Raniere (well that might make you feel better, actually), you are hurting your soul. God did not design everyone alike. Take a walk, join an organization you feel passionately for, invest time in a hobby, or gain wisdom from a Madea movie, ANYTHING but listen to those freaks of nature. The work you put in for your spirit will make the right person come to you. Racking up STDs, fake phone numbers and vomit on your carpet by intoxicated one night stands probably won’t.

All people: predators are in your midst. These are the true demons and haunt us each day. If you have daughters, I recommend these pieces of viewing in order to show them the effects of evil and how it is thoughtlessly brandished. Callous, cynical people who have already laughed at the vulnerable of spirit or heart are ruthless monsters who do exist. If you have sons, I recommend the two pieces to demonstrate how trying to equip themselves for manhood does not consist of trying to be a human machine gun of sperm and, instead, being careful, loving and responsible does.

Happy Halloween!

Love, Heather

The Pseudo Movie Reviewer: Take Four

Meet the Trumps From Immigrant to President (2007)

Directed by Paul Berczeller and Mark Radice

Review by Heather Arneson

Like the documentary about the Trumps, I will try to make this review short and sweet. I’ve never really fully-understood what Trump said, nor accepted the glimmer of hail-storms from the neo-nazis regarding his presidency. But I have found some sick entertainment in President Trumps’ antics, and this has started out as anguish and shock. I am honest, and some of you democrats and republicans alike will not be happy about my opinion that I now believe that Donald Trump is a comedian. He is like a blowhard from an 80’s movie in an infomercial that sways unsuspecting people from home into believing in his politics, and everyone gets a Trump shirt or MAGA hat for free if they buy his product. Jokes aside, he makes me laugh, and even the sensitive narrator helps urge us towards world peace with his soothing empathetic tone regarding an individual many have grown to hate, or blindly love. Either way, you can’t ignore him. And there is no denying his set-up of stating he will run for President, then years later he delivers the punchline with his sworn oath, well that is just comic gold!

This portrayal of The Trumps reminds me that we all have ties to our family that, if necessary, we will work for them in order to help our loved ones, even if it is not our dream job. I understand how what you are born into does play a part in what you choose to do with your life and we can’t judge too much, even if it eventually inspires a 350-pound woman to wear a MAGA mumu proudly, on her front lawn, while guarding her firearms and truck. However, would Donald siphon gas for her if she was stuck on the side of the road? I wonder if either one would have a mask on them, and even laugh about it together. I don’t know, but he would probably call AAA or tow her to her destination. That’s the kind of President he is!

And if you’re a terrorist of politics, please remember that you too could get a free MAGA hat if you sign up for his lifetime political membership from the convenience of your own home.

The Pseudo Movie Reviewer

Take Three: The Crimes That Bind (2020)

Review by Heather Arneson

This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is external-content.duckduckgo.com_-2.jpg
Image courtesy of Cine Argentino and Netflix Presents

In the wake of rioting, looting and a pandemic-stricken world, there is the other not-so-obvious problem of what happens if you get pregnant (and guys I know you like to say “we’re pregnant,” too, for some reason). However, sadly in the midst of all of this chaos, saying “we’re pregnant,” might come at a raging cost, especially if you are employed by two narcissist nitwits, like the rich-bitch older couple pictured in this flick.

The kind of pandemonium displayed in this film is quite visceral for all parties involved, even those invested in raising their money. The topic of abortions and infanticide is like sugar to a kid for those who love to ridicule people for wearing masks or judge people in third world countries.

Although the older couple didn’t really see themselves as culpable in any way, more as victims of the climate of their bank accounts, they just couldn’t see how their son could be the Anti-Christ or his best friend, and how they might have contributed to any of the chaos. Instead, they lolled about like they were involved in a caste system set for world domination, talking down to their help as if it was a hobby.

Who was the victim in this? It’s like splitting baby hairs, and don’t even get mad at me for making sick jokes. Hey, you got this far, right? You know the world is sicker than I am then, and jokes at its expense are highly-warranted. Anywho, a sweet woman with low self-esteem should not be abused, just like a narcissistic team sharing one brain shouldn’t be commended. And this film does show how both can happen and do too easily. Since this film is based on true events, I hate to…well, I gotta’ be honest.

This brings me to the seamless transition of discussing time propelling (everyone already time travels). If I invented it, I would weed out the ones undeserving, the ones who talk down to people if he or she feels comfortable in not getting caught. They are the dumb criminals of humanity and I WOULD NEVER allow them to go back and forth as if it was a mall they love to shop at any day or time. This film helped me count my blessings and by that I mean, not having to do service work anymore. Also, being pregnant wouldn’t be fun, even for the proud pregnant dads out there!

Have a great weekend IF YOU’RE A GOOD PERSON (no judgments, especially if you don’t happen to love monkeys, writing AND mathematics nor ripping people off); I hope you don’t get looted anywhere, anytime, as that would suck. I know how it feels, trust me. If you are in the Illuminati, then you probably know me already as someone you’ve stolen from. Hurts to be right sometimes, just like it is to find you’ve stolen from a baby.

This film stars Celia Roth and is directed by Sebastian Schindel.

The Pseudo Movie Reviewer

Feel-Good Movies About Dogs:

[image courtesy of Pinterest]

  1. A Dog’s Purpose [best dog-related movie ever, in my opinion. Starring Dennis Quaid]
  2. Togo [thrilling adventure, with Willem Dafoe]
  3. A Dog’s Journey [brings back a little water works and also a great sequel, with Kathryn Prescott and Dennis Quaid]
  4. The Karate Dog [funny and irreverent, with Jon Voight and Simon Rex from the Scary Movie series]
  5. Bolt [lovable animation, starring Miley Cyrus]


-The Pseudo Movie Reviewer

The Pseudo Movie Reviewer – Take Two

Remember Me [2010]

Review by Heather Arneson

If you want an M. Night Shyamalan ending, only with an emotionally-charged story and a lot of heart, Remember Me delivers, but don’t read about it ahead of time. An annoying roommate named Aidan (played by Tate Ellington) who seems to be auditioning to come back as a dog in his next life, is something you will have to suffer through like Gandhi. Satan’s magic trick is revealed at the end, along with a tattoo that pisses me off, though you might not care at all or be able to tolerate the roommate character enough to get there. Chris Cooper, Emilie de Ravin and Robert Pattinson work together to remind us that we’ve all put people on a pedestal like Aidan in our lives that we shouldn’t have, due to times of low self-esteem. Also, there are scenes that make you nostalgic for New York City, if you’ve been there, which are great for people who never minded the yelling, overcrowded restaurants and good craziness that is just too charming for words.

Image courtesy of Summit Entertainment

The real stars of the movie don’t reveal themselves at all really, as they are among us every day. You may think that’s a corny statement. But it is not as much as the bucket you would like to throw at me if you are a rich a-hole, a gossipy biotch, a R.E.B. (rich entitled bitch), and the like, I’m sure, if that saying ever catches on. Hey, I’ve been outspoken a bit towards people who deserve it (especially if I’m not getting paid by them for service work-the joys of working for the man). By minimizing human interactions, as this film portrays, you are part of the disgusting human nature that adds fuel to the fire of those who are destroyers of this planet. And you push them every day with pettiness into doing it! Ah the beauty of disseminating tiny brains who are the true monsters.

Back to important topics, like tattoos. Aidan gets one, and this bugs me not because I’m some nitpicking religious type, but because it is supposed to be remarkable and meaningful, and he is just not that. Basically, I could picture him getting mad at someone for no reason, throwing it in his or her face either before or after the fact, somehow shaming them and then insincerely apologizing to that person’s friend. Yes, my psychic powers predict that he would be a tattoo-shamer, but not in the traditional sense of the word, as his face-value douchery is hardly rivaled. It drummed up memories from college life of being at a lame party I wasn’t invited to personally that seemed exciting at the time, with that guy in the corner who was drunk, playing beer pong by himself and laughing for no reason. I did not feel like laughing at Aidan, however. Roofies swimming in his subconscious come to mind, and him shaking his Holden- Caulfield-with-a-conscience friend down from the top of a ladder because he had electricity go to his brain that produced some humans call a thought, would probably make any spiritual guru yell at him a la Gordon Ramsay if he suddenly appeared from the book stacks they were surrounded by.

Anyway, if you feel like laughing and having your eyes mist over with tears (if you have a heart and aren’t a R.E.B.) even want to teach your kids about life a little, while holding back anger against little child bullies who remind you of scenes from Children of the Corn, this is the movie for you! WHAT ARE PEOPLE LIKE THAT DOING IN NEW YORK ANYWAY? Anger going down…breathe, Heather, breathe…that should be a safe place from passive aggressive antics by little…breathe…and if you have to acquiesce to your hubbies’ best friend coming over in order to maintain your marriage even though he sucks, drinking his craft beer, while saying “cheers” and trying to put on pretenses in the way of bringing up world politics but then awkwardly bringing it back to sports as a way to impress a younger girl in his life, well, I feel sorry for you. Also, maybe you should watch the movie to learn what can happen when you allow people like that into your life to avoid that mess in the first place. I’m also glad I don’t have kids, though I love them, and especially didn’t raise a child of the corn! Additionally, I’m happy that I am over my college days, although I exercised my brain. But exercising decency, non-judgment, and love is best as this film demonstrates. Ask Pierce Brosnan, who plays whitie with a heart, and could even make you forget you hate whitie with a passion. Ah, to be rich, but also I’m glad I am not soulless so I could enjoy themes I didn’t explore much in this movie review. Have fun getting in touch with your feelings; that’s all I can advise if you watch this flick.

The Pseudo Movie Reviewer

Take One: Review of Proof  [1991]

Review By Heather Arneson

Image courtesy of Roadshow Entertainment

If you are in the dark about quirky independent-minded dramas and want to feel less insecure about it, check out Proof, starring Hugo Weaving (of Matrix and Lord of the Rings fame). He plays a blind intellectual who will guide your way to freedom of feeling how it is to watch one, and even has him playing with a camera, which is art in and of itself. I will never say I loved a movie or hated it, as I want to remain neutral no matter what, like a mother who doesn’t want to say she has a favorite kid. However, I will say it was nice not to worry about hovering my eyes over the subtitles too much, as it was more of an Aussie cast and full of some piss and vinegar humor, but not as hard to understand like a robust British accent, which adjoins the balls of some Guy Ritchie films and the like.

Martin, the main character, is likable, though a little peevish about females from being henpecked by a spider who seems more like a jilted wife than caregiver, played by Genevieve Picot.  Her character has the hots for him, and wishes to ensnare him in her web, never holding back her slutitude, even in the face of his sassitude. And he has plenty of it, but it is backed up with a depth you may be surprised to see in a movie who has a scene where the antagonist holds up condoms for another patron during a drive-in movie; purely by chance, not pleasure, mind you.  Crazy enough, Crowe-about-Russell (also known as Russell Crowe from Gladiator), is a young buck who calls himself a “black sheep” and doesn’t recognize a spider when he sees it.  Not only blind to who he is as a human animal, he can’t see past his lust for the venomous vixen and doesn’t know how to control his own guiding light. So sayeth metaphoricalisms in this magical buddy tale. Happy Ending? All I can let you know is, surprises all-around, and listen as much as you watch.

 Note about The Pseudo Movie Reviewer:

As a writer, movie fan, entrepreneur and worker-for-the-man, I’ve been told countless times that I should become a critic. Although, I hate to criticize others’ pieces, as I believe the act of creating is sacred and shouldn’t be bashed, I decided to explore the tundra of self doubt we call trying to find a movie to watch, and exploit that process for your entertainment. The choice is and always was yours, and you hold the power as the passive viewer. Enjoy!

-Heather Arneson

%d bloggers like this: